i always remind my sister, "chloe, when you grow older don't be stress out like me okey." always and always saying this to her. it is pathetic how i judge myself these past few months, life has been so stressful. My own ambition kills me. i am blinded by my goals, dreams and yes, ambitions. its been almost month i have this deadly migraine everyday, i have been taking medicines during epic period. it kills me. my face grows older than before. the skin is getting pale and pale day by day. my eyes is black enough. the hair falling session is out of control. until, i am afraid of my own reflection. i am afraid of cameras. enough said.
i know what i want in life, yet pity michelly she does not even know which path to take in order to get that. say hello to my chronic perfectionist nature. it kills. i am not joking but this one nature of me is like killing me day by day. i have try my best yet seldom do i feel satisfied with my own. not to say mention i practically cry everyday in my life this week. i try, seriously, i try not to. i try to keep on reminding myself with His words that He wont stop loving me because my scores is below 80 for maths. i blame myself, "dumbo head, chel! why don't you study more!". i am sick. seriously, sometimes i can't stand it.
one of the reason i make space with a this week. i can't see myself sharing my amazing week with problems and troubles here and there, the worst part is how i respond to all the problems. it shakes my Faith, as if there is no more hopes tomorrow. there is an absent of peace deep within me. i can't sleep that well, i can't devour my lunch box the way i used to enjoy it, i can't see myself in the mirror saying,"you can do it,c!". wait, its not that i can't but my mind is blinded.
the inward strength is not enough. the external strength, i hate seeing myself depending on human. they are not constant and the fear of bugging someone's life. sometimes i wish, why don't just i have a very ordinary life,huh? let me go school from Monday to Friday with all the crap in doing the schoolworks. let me have my IB diploma that can assure me more of getting my dream. let me have my Saturday back to normal not staying at school with all the energy left. at least, let me breath for awhile.
one question: God, do you really hold my world in Your hands? then why it keeps on falling apart like this?
weak and pale, i want to collapse.
